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*Name changed for privacy and protection Story edited by Kelly Longmore
At seventeen, he insisted we get married. I didn’t want to, but there I was, crying, at the courthouse saying, “I do.” By eighteen, I received my GED and gave birth to a healthy baby. Four years later, our relationship got worse. He began an inappropriate relationship with an unwilling fifteen year old he’d met at work. When I confronted him about it, he physically attacked me. Later, I found out that he had sexually assaulted this innocent girl. A year later, I was forced to endure his un-welcomed sexual advances and ended up pregnant with my third child, all while his abusive behavior escalated. He was drinking heavily and would get upset about everything. I felt scared and alone. I wanted out. I began an emotional relationship with another man, but my abuser found out and physically assaulted me. Eventually, we “worked” things out, but I wasn’t happy. After ten years together, I told him I wanted to separate. He didn’t take it well, but I convinced him to leave. "Then, he began stalking me."He would drive by my work yelling obscenities at me. He followed me when I’d give rides to co-workers. He’d drive by my house – watching me. Once, while he watched the kids at my house, he found some muddy footprints on the floor and accused me of being with someone, then he assaulted me. I couldn’t hardly sleep for fear of where he was at or what he might do. That summer, my kids went to stay at their grandma’s. Not wanting to be alone, I stayed with friends. Whenever we’d go out, he was there – watching me. Finally, I was fed up and went to stay with my parents, but the controlling didn’t end. He threatened to tell the authorities that I had kidnapped my kids. Not having anywhere else to go, I went back, but his drinking and mental abuse only continued. Eventually, with help, the kids and I moved out. Then, I was awarded a Restraining Order, which he violated several times. Though it was hard, I reported him to the authorities. Finally, our divorce was granted but with shared custody. He disappeared for three months, then he came back around asking to have the kids. I found out that he was living in a van and addicted to meth. Fearing for my kids’ safety I sought, and won, full custody. Things got worse for my Ex. He was getting desperate, and his illegal activities caught up with him. The police found him with a gun, machete, and rubber boots. I couldn’t help but feel it was all meant for me. He was sentenced to ten years in prison. "Five years have gone by since our separation. I’m now married to my best friend who has helped and supported me through everything. I’m close to earning my Bachelor’s degree and, most importantly, me and my children feel safe. I am a survivor."
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*Name changed for privacy and protection Story edited by Kelly Longmore My [then] partner of five years was an Army Reservist. During our relationship, he was stationed in Kuwait for eleven months. After he came back he was different. He would disappear for hours, wouldn’t answer my calls, and I learned he might be cheating on me. Eight months later, he ended our relationship. Then, things took a turn for the worst. He started obsessively texting and emailing me, insisted I meet him to get my belongings, then, suddenly, was convinced we had to get married. Several people tried to talk him out of it, including my parents. Mutual friends talked him into meeting with a counselor. The counselor then asked to meet with me privately. My Ex showed up uninvited to this counseling session —then he was told to stop contacting me. He didn’t. A couple weeks later, he showed up at my apartment during a snowstorm to talk. I let him in. I explained that it was over, he needed to move on – leave me alone. I felt like this would be the end of it. "Then, in early January 2016, he showed up at my apartment raging."I’d been out of town for the past week, and he’d been stalking me – driving past my home each night, getting more and more upset when I didn’t return home. That January night, I saw his jeep pull up and my heart dropped. I just knew this was going to be bad. I called mutual friends and my partner for help. He was pounding on my door and screaming for me to let him in, demanding to know where I’d been. He tried to force the door – then stood below my deck screaming at me. That’s when I called 911. While speaking to the operator, my Ex used his jeep to climb up to my sliding glass door – pulling and banging to get in. I was terrified. The police arrived as he was climbing down and questioned him. He lied about what was happening. When they spoke to me, I was in shock. I didn’t know I had to say the words, “I want him arrested,” so they let him go. The officers gave me some D.V. resources. Then the police department called with some tips and to see if I had a safety plan in place. Then the counselor, who knew about the incident and had talked to my Ex, called me, telling me to file for a protection order TODAY. The day of the court hearing I was terrified to see him, but the D.V. advocate kept us visually separated at all times. The judge listened to both our testimonies, and in the end said, “Protective Order Granted.” Those words brought a flood of relief. Two months later, I finally returned to my apartment. It took a long time to feel normal again. Still, the sight of a black, lifted jeep will make me panic. "I was amazed how supportive my friends and family were in through all this. But I was appalled at how little some people knew about D.V."Many people questioned why I was taking him to court and warned me of the implications this would have for him, or how he was just in love with me. They didn’t realize what stalking can turn into – how it can turn deadly. I truly believe that had the lock on my door not held that night, I might not be here today.
*Name changed for privacy and protection Story edited by Kelly Longmore My [now Ex] husband is my abuser. We were married in January of 1997, and shortly after his control and abuse began. He started off slowly – chipping away at my self-esteem, manipulating me to get rid of any resources I had brought into the marriage so that I would be solely dependent on him. Slowly, but surely, he was isolating me. At first it was episodes of road-rage directed towards me. In one incident, my head almost slammed into the windshield. In another, I was nearly killed as he chased a car down late at night in the middle of nowhere. Soon thereafter, the physical violence grew in severity. His abusive, controlling behavior was coupled with his pornography addiction and adultery, which seemed to escalate hand-in-hand. Still, I was blamed for everything he did that was literally hurting me. Over our seven years together I was physically abused – terrified of what he might do next, or how far he would take it. He was also mentally, verbally, and financially abusive – controlling everything. If ever he felt like he wasn’t in control, his abuse would intensify. "Outwardly, I pretended that everything was fine." But on the inside, I was ashamed and embarrassed. One day, I saw my (then 3 year old) son mimicking his father’s abusive behavior in daycare, and with that I was finally ready to leave my abuser – to leave it all behind. I was not going to remain silent and allow my son to grow up like that. We deserved better. I fought a bitter and very expensive custody battle, during which he physically abused our child and tried to blame it on me. In the end, the judge awarded me sole custody with visitation rights for my Ex. His efforts to take away my child was just another attempt to control me. My abuser remarried as soon as our divorce was final (Aug 2005). They’ve been married almost 14 years and she has now filed for divorce because of his abusive, controlling behavior against her and their children. We were never close, but I have supported her in her fight to get away from our abuser. Now, we are friends and prayerful supporters of one another. Their fight is ongoing, and he is currently under house arrest for Protective Order violations. I hope and pray that she and her children will become free from this man, and that he will get the serious help he needs. Sadly, he has been able to hide behind his military rank for decades – never fully answering for his crimes. D.V. is swept under the rug in the military, especially for high ranking officers, and as the military has turned a blind eye to my abuse, he has been allowed to maintain power and control over innocent people to this day. It must be stopped. "People need to know more about domestic abuse – what it looks like. It’s me. It’s you. It’s your neighbor, coworker, a stranger on the street."Victims need to know that they are not alone, that someone will always care. If you’re a victim, I want you to know that it is not your fault! There is help, hope, and healing. I want to put an end to all this—let’s stand strong together and speak up to end Domestic Violence.
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