 March is just around the corner and we look forward to another great NO MORE Week. NO MORE Week (March 7-13, 2021) is a global campaign dedicated to raising awareness around domestic violence and sexual assault. Domestic violence thrives in shame and silence. When we say NO MORE we are telling our friends, family, and co-workers that we support them and we do not accept abuse in any form. This year FADV is addressing the silence, shame, and myths that surround domestic violence. We invite you to join us in saying #NoMoreSilence to intimate partner and family violence. Violence doesn’t just stay in the home; it affects our schools, healthcare systems, and workplaces. And of course we need YOUR help in saying NO MORE to SILENCE! How can you support FADV in this important campaign? We are glad you asked! Here are a few ways you can get involved: Individual Support
Corporate Support
We are working closely with businesses to spread awareness around intimate partner violence through our new REACH program (Respond, Empower, Advocate, Connect, & Help). This 1-hour presentation helps employers and employees recognize the signs of intimate partner violence and where to turn for help. Businesses play a key role in spreading awareness and creating safer work environments. 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men will experience domestic violence in their lifetime. These statistics make it very likely that someone in your workforce is experiencing abuse. Employers can say NO MORE to domestic violence by scheduling a REACH presentation for their employees. For more information you can reach us via email info@fadv.org or visit our website, fadv.org. We are incredibly grateful for your continued support. As rates of domestic violence rise due to the global pandemic and resources are stretched to their limit, we feel our work and mission are more important than ever. Together we are helping survivors get the help and services they need to gain safety, heal, and move forward. As always, we are #LouderTogether! With much gratitude, Brooke Muir Executive Director
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*Name changed for privacy and protection Story edited by Kelly Longmore
At seventeen, he insisted we get married. I didn’t want to, but there I was, crying, at the courthouse saying, “I do.” By eighteen, I received my GED and gave birth to a healthy baby. Four years later, our relationship got worse. He began an inappropriate relationship with an unwilling fifteen year old he’d met at work. When I confronted him about it, he physically attacked me. Later, I found out that he had sexually assaulted this innocent girl. A year later, I was forced to endure his un-welcomed sexual advances and ended up pregnant with my third child, all while his abusive behavior escalated. He was drinking heavily and would get upset about everything. I felt scared and alone. I wanted out. I began an emotional relationship with another man, but my abuser found out and physically assaulted me. Eventually, we “worked” things out, but I wasn’t happy. After ten years together, I told him I wanted to separate. He didn’t take it well, but I convinced him to leave. "Then, he began stalking me."He would drive by my work yelling obscenities at me. He followed me when I’d give rides to co-workers. He’d drive by my house – watching me. Once, while he watched the kids at my house, he found some muddy footprints on the floor and accused me of being with someone, then he assaulted me. I couldn’t hardly sleep for fear of where he was at or what he might do. That summer, my kids went to stay at their grandma’s. Not wanting to be alone, I stayed with friends. Whenever we’d go out, he was there – watching me. Finally, I was fed up and went to stay with my parents, but the controlling didn’t end. He threatened to tell the authorities that I had kidnapped my kids. Not having anywhere else to go, I went back, but his drinking and mental abuse only continued. Eventually, with help, the kids and I moved out. Then, I was awarded a Restraining Order, which he violated several times. Though it was hard, I reported him to the authorities. Finally, our divorce was granted but with shared custody. He disappeared for three months, then he came back around asking to have the kids. I found out that he was living in a van and addicted to meth. Fearing for my kids’ safety I sought, and won, full custody. Things got worse for my Ex. He was getting desperate, and his illegal activities caught up with him. The police found him with a gun, machete, and rubber boots. I couldn’t help but feel it was all meant for me. He was sentenced to ten years in prison. "Five years have gone by since our separation. I’m now married to my best friend who has helped and supported me through everything. I’m close to earning my Bachelor’s degree and, most importantly, me and my children feel safe. I am a survivor."*Name changed for privacy and protection Story edited by Kelly Longmore My [then] partner of five years was an Army Reservist. During our relationship, he was stationed in Kuwait for eleven months. After he came back he was different. He would disappear for hours, wouldn’t answer my calls, and I learned he might be cheating on me. Eight months later, he ended our relationship. Then, things took a turn for the worst. He started obsessively texting and emailing me, insisted I meet him to get my belongings, then, suddenly, was convinced we had to get married. Several people tried to talk him out of it, including my parents. Mutual friends talked him into meeting with a counselor. The counselor then asked to meet with me privately. My Ex showed up uninvited to this counseling session —then he was told to stop contacting me. He didn’t. A couple weeks later, he showed up at my apartment during a snowstorm to talk. I let him in. I explained that it was over, he needed to move on – leave me alone. I felt like this would be the end of it. "Then, in early January 2016, he showed up at my apartment raging."I’d been out of town for the past week, and he’d been stalking me – driving past my home each night, getting more and more upset when I didn’t return home. That January night, I saw his jeep pull up and my heart dropped. I just knew this was going to be bad. I called mutual friends and my partner for help. He was pounding on my door and screaming for me to let him in, demanding to know where I’d been. He tried to force the door – then stood below my deck screaming at me. That’s when I called 911. While speaking to the operator, my Ex used his jeep to climb up to my sliding glass door – pulling and banging to get in. I was terrified. The police arrived as he was climbing down and questioned him. He lied about what was happening. When they spoke to me, I was in shock. I didn’t know I had to say the words, “I want him arrested,” so they let him go. The officers gave me some D.V. resources. Then the police department called with some tips and to see if I had a safety plan in place. Then the counselor, who knew about the incident and had talked to my Ex, called me, telling me to file for a protection order TODAY. The day of the court hearing I was terrified to see him, but the D.V. advocate kept us visually separated at all times. The judge listened to both our testimonies, and in the end said, “Protective Order Granted.” Those words brought a flood of relief. Two months later, I finally returned to my apartment. It took a long time to feel normal again. Still, the sight of a black, lifted jeep will make me panic. "I was amazed how supportive my friends and family were in through all this. But I was appalled at how little some people knew about D.V."Many people questioned why I was taking him to court and warned me of the implications this would have for him, or how he was just in love with me. They didn’t realize what stalking can turn into – how it can turn deadly. I truly believe that had the lock on my door not held that night, I might not be here today.
*Name changed for privacy and protection Story edited by Kelly Longmore My [now Ex] husband is my abuser. We were married in January of 1997, and shortly after his control and abuse began. He started off slowly – chipping away at my self-esteem, manipulating me to get rid of any resources I had brought into the marriage so that I would be solely dependent on him. Slowly, but surely, he was isolating me. At first it was episodes of road-rage directed towards me. In one incident, my head almost slammed into the windshield. In another, I was nearly killed as he chased a car down late at night in the middle of nowhere. Soon thereafter, the physical violence grew in severity. His abusive, controlling behavior was coupled with his pornography addiction and adultery, which seemed to escalate hand-in-hand. Still, I was blamed for everything he did that was literally hurting me. Over our seven years together I was physically abused – terrified of what he might do next, or how far he would take it. He was also mentally, verbally, and financially abusive – controlling everything. If ever he felt like he wasn’t in control, his abuse would intensify. "Outwardly, I pretended that everything was fine." But on the inside, I was ashamed and embarrassed. One day, I saw my (then 3 year old) son mimicking his father’s abusive behavior in daycare, and with that I was finally ready to leave my abuser – to leave it all behind. I was not going to remain silent and allow my son to grow up like that. We deserved better. I fought a bitter and very expensive custody battle, during which he physically abused our child and tried to blame it on me. In the end, the judge awarded me sole custody with visitation rights for my Ex. His efforts to take away my child was just another attempt to control me. My abuser remarried as soon as our divorce was final (Aug 2005). They’ve been married almost 14 years and she has now filed for divorce because of his abusive, controlling behavior against her and their children. We were never close, but I have supported her in her fight to get away from our abuser. Now, we are friends and prayerful supporters of one another. Their fight is ongoing, and he is currently under house arrest for Protective Order violations. I hope and pray that she and her children will become free from this man, and that he will get the serious help he needs. Sadly, he has been able to hide behind his military rank for decades – never fully answering for his crimes. D.V. is swept under the rug in the military, especially for high ranking officers, and as the military has turned a blind eye to my abuse, he has been allowed to maintain power and control over innocent people to this day. It must be stopped. "People need to know more about domestic abuse – what it looks like. It’s me. It’s you. It’s your neighbor, coworker, a stranger on the street."Victims need to know that they are not alone, that someone will always care. If you’re a victim, I want you to know that it is not your fault! There is help, hope, and healing. I want to put an end to all this—let’s stand strong together and speak up to end Domestic Violence.
Story edited by Kelly Longmore  I was raised in a local (dominant) religion that taught me that a woman’s role was to be a wife and mother. Also, that sexual sin was the woman’s fault – that women were responsible for men’s inappropriate sexual behavior. This has shaped much of my life. When I was 6 years-old, I witnessed a family member being molested. I had to relive it again in a court deposition. Then, at 9 years-old, I was the one being molested. This lasted for a year. I never told my parents. However, I did tell my church authorities. Their response: It was all my fault. In October 1997, I met Daniel. We began spending a lot of time together. He seemed okay with my past sexual history but said to keep our relationship a secret. A few days later, he changed his mind. I ended the relationship. After avoiding him on campus, he found me. He literally chased me down, dragged me into a room to confront me, and demanded I take him back. Believing I was dirty and used because of my past, I took him back. "From the beginning I was subjected to controlling behavior, who I talked to, where I went, what I spent money on, what career path I had to take, cancelled my credit cards."This lasted our entire marriage, escalating into much worse. Shortly into the marriage we had a fight. He broke through the door and assaulted me, leaving visible marks. When questioned about this, he told people I’d tried to commit suicide. He had always been controlling, physically, and sexually abusive, but in early 2008 while living overseas, Daniel took it even further. One afternoon he repeatedly insisted on physical intimacy. I repeatedly said no. Then he raped me. Several days later, I broke down and tried to leave. He called my parents asking them to convince me to stay. My dad said he’d help get me home but, I stayed. Daniel said he was stressed, that sex was owed him for putting a roof over my head. It was all my fault again. He said God expected me to forgive and forget – that I couldn’t leave him, we were together forever. I believed it all. These are only a few of the horrific abuses I was forced to endure for years – never believing I could leave. But in September 2016, after 18 years of abuse, my divorce was finalized – the marriage was over. I am still not free from Daniel. He has continued to harass me and my children. However, I have a great therapist. I belong to several support groups. I also tell others about Domestic Violence, and some of these people said I have inspired them to leave an abusive relationship or share my story with others in similar situations. "People have sent messages saying that my stubbornness and positivity has helped them realize that it’s possible to survive and thrive – to find healing. Helping people has been a big part of finding peace."I have also rediscovered myself. It hasn’t been easy, but well worth it. I pay attention to my appearance more. I’ve learned that I’m pretty and I deserve to look and feel good.
*Name changed for privacy and protection Story edited by Kelly Longmore I first suffered domestic abuse as a child. My mother verbally, physically, emotionally, and psychologically abused me for years. I was also verbally and sexually abused by an uncle. As an adult, I again suffered domestic violence. This time from my [ Ex] husband. "For 18 years I was subjected to verbal, physical, emotional, sexual, and psychological abuse."He would lie, cheat, and steal from me. He would rape me. Then, he would tell me I was a worthless, female dog that would never amount to anything. Through all of this, I was determined to survive – to protect my children and learn how to take care of myself first. My three children (youngest was 7) came to me saying, “Just divorce him. We don’t want you to be unhappy and crying all of the time!” For years I have refused to have contact with my abuser even though he continues to manipulate my children (31, 26, 23 years old). He has turned my youngest against me – even having him threaten to kill me, which he almost did in December 2012. Now, I am married to someone else, and though he is an alcoholic and mildly verbally abusive, I feel I can stand up for myself. Back in 2009, I was in a motorcycle accident, leaving me nearly paralyzed from the neck down. In February 2014, I have suffered from mini strokes. "Yet, despite all of this, including the years of domestic violence, I am a survivor. My faith in God lifts me up, and I will continue to fight. I will NOT allow anyone or anything to get in my way."For years I couldn’t talk about my abuse, but because of the FADV I now have the power to speak up. Hearing other’s stories, some worse than mine, lets me know that I’m not alone. They have given me hope – hope that there is a better life out there.
Now, I “Fight” Against Domestic Violence. Story edited by Kelly Longmore  I was five years old when I was first sexually abused by a cousin and an uncle. Then, at fifteen, a man I thought of as a brother raped me. He only served six months for his crime. After that, this same man began stalking me. But after three years of harassment, my family and I moved away. "When I was twenty-one years old, I married the father of two of my sons. The first few years were good, then things started to change. He demanded to know everyone I talked to. He would accuse me of cheating on him. He had people watching – stalking me and reporting my whereabouts to him."Then, when that wasn’t enough, he dismantled my car so I couldn’t leave. I would fix the car like I had been taught, but then he began to take the dismantled pieces with him. Effectively trapping me. I tried to leave many times, but he’d take my kids and threaten to never let me see them again if I didn’t come back. So, I would go back. After some time, he insisted we move to Oregon, cutting me off from everyone I knew. The abuse continued. Then, two years later, I brought my children to my parent’s home in California to get them away from his abuse. On his way to California to try and take the kids back, he ran me and three others off the road. After that, I was awarded a Restraining Order against him, and my parents were granted temporary custody of my boys. It took three long, ugly years to get the divorce. I met, and married, someone new, and again I was subjected to abusive, controlling behavior. It took sixteen more years, the loss of custody of my younger children and his ultimatum: choose between him and my oldest son before I left. I knew I had to get far away from him, or else I’d end up going back. Four years ago, I met a man that I just knew was “Mr. Right.” Turns out he wasn’t. We were together for two years before he started to mentally abuse me – degrading me, telling me I was mentally ill, telling me that everything was my fault. Then began the physical and sexual abuse. After another year of this, I had had enough. I told him that I deserved better – didn’t want to live like this anymore. He kicked me out of our home Christmas of 2017. "Since then, I have become an advocate for domestic violence victims. I am working with a team to raise funds for a safe house for women and children of domestic violence."This is my story. I hope that it can somehow help others.
 When I was 20, I met this guy who I thought was everything. We got married two years later, and I thought we had a perfect marriage, with only a few speed bumps.
It took me walking away from the situation to realize just how toxic the relationship was. I never went anywhere alone: the grocery store, a friend’s house, or even to see my parents. I wasn’t allowed to go back to school, because he had a good job. It would have been a “waste of money” for me to finish my degree. He never hit me physically, but he hit me emotionally and mentally. If a fight got physical, it was at the expense of the bathroom door or a window. I always thought that as long as he kept his hands off me, everything was okay. He came from a verbally abusive family, and I got sucked right in. I was verbally abused by everyone, even the kids. It wasn’t until I couldn’t make excuses for the broken windows anymore that I realized that I couldn’t do it any longer. I started having panic attacks every time I was home. I started drinking all the time to be able to face him. I would lock myself in the bathroom or closet just to have the door kicked down and get yelled at for “being a crazy person.” When it finally ended, and I looked back, I realized the damage that had been done. The damage that still haunts me today. I had to take up a hobby to help me cope with the anxiety, and I chose nail art. Now, four years later, I’m a recovering alcoholic. I also had a friend steer me towards Jamberry. I was able to take my love of nail art, and turn it into a business — a business that picked me up off the ground and helped me regain my confidence, pay my bills, and give me a sense of freedom… something I haven’t had in a long time. Download the story as a .PDF Click here to share your story in a safe and confidential manner.  I grew up in a house with Domestic Violence – it is not just physical. In my home it was emotional violence, controlling, and sexual abuse.
From the outside it looked like a loving home with nice vehicles and everything we would need to live a happy life. My mom worked for him at his small business. He owned the roof over our heads as well as the income that my mom received from her job at his business. He controlled how much money she could spend on groceries/household items and here was a lot of manipulation. He is also the person who sexually abused me from 8-16. There was physical violence as well, from his children directed at me to hurt my mother – and he did nothing to stop it. I recall locking myself in the bathroom many times to get away from the attacks. As a child I felt that if I told my mom and she left, it would mean she had no income as she would lose her job, and that we would homeless with no place to live so I remained silent even though I knew it was wrong. I will never forget Boxing Day (Dec. 26), 1997 when I went to my mom’s for our Christmas celebration – she had half the house packed – she finally had enough and was leaving. I have never been so proud of her as I was that day. It would still be a few months before I told her what had happened to me (she honestly had no idea). I went to the police and he was arrested for historic child sexual abuse. My court case ended in a guilty verdict, although no jail time was ever served. Our story has a positive outcome, but so many do not. Click here to share your story in a safe and confidential manner.  I met my daughter’s dad when I was 25. I fell head over heels instantly. The first sign of trouble was when he would want prior approval when I went out with friends. If he hadn’t met them before or he hadn’t heard me speak of them before then I wasn’t “allowed” to go out with them.
The third time that I caught him cheating on me I packed his things for him to move out. Obviously this did not go over well. My daughter was 9 months old at the time. When he came in to see his bags had been packed he tried to sweet talk his way out of the situation. At this point, however, I had decided I wasn’t going to raise my daughter in an environment that lead her to believe this type of treatment was acceptable. He became violent and threatened to kill me if I left the house. When a friend happened to call that night, I used the “distress code” she and I had created for me to use if I was ever in an unsafe situation. Over the phone I asked if she could borrow her crock pot and her mom’s recipe for spaghetti sauce. This was our distress code to show I needed immediate help. My friend called for police who showed up at my house pretending to solicit donations for the department, and I was able to leave the house with my daughter. I now have a restraining order against my abuser, but he still has visitation rights with my daughter, and I worry each time they are together. I will forever and always be indebted to my friend who called that night and still call her my savior to this day. Download the story as a .PDF Click here to share your story in a safe and confidential manner. |
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